Oh, look. Another race I didn’t start.

I decided at about 1 am, when I was still wide awake, that I would not start the race. I am so incredibly sick of running races on 1 or 2 hours of sleep, but I don’t know how to fix it. I went to bed at about 8:30 last night, and tried to relax. But that same anxiety gripped me and my heart rate was way too high and I could not get my mind to turn off. It doesn’t help that in addition to worrying about the race, I’ve had a lot to worry about at work as well. So, knowing that I had to get up at about 2 or 2:15 AM in order to get ready for the start, I decided at about 1:05 that I would not be running the race.

I feel pretty defeated that once again, I’m sidelined or slowed by a lack of sleep. It doesn’t seem to ever get any better.

The more I thought about it (because I couldn’t fall back asleep after I decided not to run — I probably didn’t fall asleep until 3:00), the more I realized that this was an overall stupid idea. I signed up for this race impulsively – I was thinking about doing it and then signed up for certain when I was in a funk after having a bad race at Superior. My mileage has been fairly low (below 40 miles/week) for this whole training cycle, and I’ve been sick off and on thanks to the changing weather. I haven’t done any long runs (besides Twin Cities Marathon), I haven’t done any night running (and I’d be starting and ending in the dark), I haven’t done any practice with trekking poles (which I planned to use), and I didn’t do nearly enough logistics planning (I was planning to drive myself home after the race – probably not safe). I wasn’t ready for this race and I really need to stop pretending I’m one of those Type Z runners who can sign up for a race on a whim and just waltz their way onto the course.

I feel pretty embarrassed that I’m not running this race, but embarrassment is not a reason to run a race I’m ill-prepared for in countless ways. I’m disappointed about the opportunity costs of entering this race – I missed out on a hockey weekend in Duluth, I missed out on options to run several shorter races like Wild Duluth, or the new Loppet Loppet race, or even a shorter distance at Surf the Murph. I feel guilty that I’m wasting money on races I don’t run.

I need to remind myself that I ran 2 marathons in a month’s time, and that’s kind of a lot for people who aren’t, like, Killian Jornet. And I am not him. I need to focus on enjoying running again, staying healthy, avoiding burnout, and celebrating the successes I’ve had. I’m going to head out for a shorter run today instead, and try to shake off any lingering feelings of frustration or disappointment in myself. I run for enjoyment, and I need to keep that in the forefront of my mind during setbacks or screw-ups. I run with a smile — even when I’m smiling to suppress my gag reflex.